A note to myself:

If you came close to the end and still chose to stay, it means there's something in your life you love and enjoy. You just need to focus on what makes you feel secure, happy, like your future matters, and do it as much as possible.

Archery. Eating. Sleeping. Fuck everyone that tells you what you want is wrong, what do they know?

Stop comparing with the past. Stop fantasising about the future. Live in the now and make it something worth having. Want friends? You've got them. Want a soulmate? You have to find them.

All things come in their own time.

Patience...

Patience.

Misheard song lyrics - better than the real thing.

"Heaven's when God lets you forget"

Helpful expectations

My hobbies consist of taking pills, bed and unrelenting failure
I can't recommend it enough to you.
Honest, I'd change it and myself if I thought it would help
but this is my best for the minute, and I want people to accept that.

'Learn self love', is what they tell me, 'go easier on yourself', but
my insides writhe every waking minute and I desperately want
oblivion to overwhelm me, I'm just not the sort to do that sort of thing.
'Try to cheer up, do your best, you can't change things', sound familiar?

Failure

My next failure is exactly what I need...

It'll be the weight that either pushes me over the edge, or in to help. We'll see.

Reasons for ME love me

I'm funny

I'm kind

Lots of people observe these traits and want to spend time with me and talk to me

I am patient and loving

I am forgiving

I feel strongly, and am very reflective

I am creative

I write well

I am courteous and polite, and find professional settings easy to fit in to

I have a group of people who care about me deeply, and who want me to be ok

I am intelligent and love to learn

I am passionate about my interests

I am able to inspire and lead others

Today I went to Counselling

"I'm getting a lot of pressure, a lot of fear" she said.

"You are setting impossible targets for yourself," she said, "and then failing to meet your expectations and feeling like a failure."

It would appear that bullying yourself into being who you want to be doesn't work. You have to find the feeling.

As a first therapy session, it was pretty positive. Now to find out the secrets of self care and goal-setting without rendering myself a quivering, crying mess on my Mum's bathroom floor.

Small steps to start with. Ha!

Words 1

I'm the sort of person that gets left at the altar
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I'm a washed out fake smile under fluorescent lights
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I'll listen to your problems and give you advice,
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but I don't tell you about mine
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because its already all I talk about